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Pussy Rolls |
3 cups flour (half wheat or rye)
2 tbs butter 1 cup milk, 1/2 cup water 4 tbs sugar pinch salt 1/2 packet (~1 tsp) yeast
Microwave milk, water, butter and sugar until it reaches yeast-friendly temperature
(somewhere between 100° and 130° F). Wait for yeast to get going a little. Mix dry ingredients, stir in wet ingredients. Turn onto floured surface and knead 6-8 minutes, adding white flour until the consistency and elasticity feels right. Drop into greased bowl, roll to grease and put into lightly warm oven. Rise 45 minutes. Punch down, roll into a big fat snake, slice into lumps just smaller than your fist, shape smooth. Let them rest 10 minutes then, with a pastry scraper, make an indentation halfway along the width of each roll (crimp, don't slice). Rise another 30-40 minutes, until nearly doubled. Bake at 375°F for about half an hour, until brown. You could glaze them with egg white, but that would be gross. |
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Okay, you got me. That's a generic bread roll recipe with a bit of unpleasant sculpture at the end. In our own defense, we hadn't set out to make anything vulgar. The story goes, I was about 15 and it was Summer and I was stuck on the farm in the middle of nowhere with nothing to keep me company but my own thoughts. Into this nearly perfect void came unbidden the notion that I must have hot, fresh yeast rolls or die. My mother supervised operations, by which I mean ocasionally squinted over the top of her book. Until I got to the shaping part. Yes, damn right I'm going to blame her for this. She hated squishy or spongy foods (particularly my favorite half-baked whitebread supermarket Brown-N-Serve rolls, which she called "Gluey Rolls"). She got the idea that a pinch in the center of each roll would improve the ratio of surface area to center, which should result in a less doughy, more crispy roll. That, I think, was the theory.
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But after she shaped them, she looked at the rolls, and she looked at me, and I looked at her, and I looked at the rolls, and we looked at each other looking at the rolls, and the rolls looked like...eh, well you know what the rolls looked like. She baptized them on the spot. Now, I won't swear that rolls shaped thusly are crispier and less gluey than other sorts of rolls. But I've been cooking them this way for upwards of 25 years, and they have never disappointed. For a coarse, crusty breadroll ideal for soaking in Winter soups and stews, they can't be beat. If you can keep a straight face while serving them.
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